It’s time for The Bachelor and Muzzy and I are tucked in to watch.
We’re getting a LOT of snow today which means once this disaster of a show is over, it’s time to binge watch old episodes of ER and knit.
On a side note, has anyone else starting watching The Pitt and gotten MAJOR ER vibes?
I love it. Oh, Noah Wylie, one of my first TV crushes…
[ed. note: I saw him in a restaurant and he is incredibly good looking, more than on tv, which was a substantial amount of good looking.]
Anyway, we open with the ladies sitting on the drinking couches and one of them says, “Grant ticks all of the boxes.”
Muzzy: Yeah, the litterboxes.
The first group date is basketball themed. As this franchise as continued to go down hill the Bachelors have increasingly lacked… what’s the word…
Muzzy: A discernable personality.
Right. So since they’re bland AF they make their whole personality one of their interests. Grant played basketball in school so we’ll hear about this constantly.
A bunch of kids (maybe 8ish?) are going to coach the contestants in playing basketball.
Natalie isn’t very good at basketball, but she’s a PhD student who works with kids and when a little girl gets overwhelmed and winded, she sits with her and does some relaxation exercises and it’s genuinely very sweet.
Zoe steals Grant during the competition and they go up to the roof to chat which annoys everyone, but mostly the kids who are already super bored.
They split up into teams and the MVP will win Grant’s letterman jacket.
Click for Muzzy and I
Team Purple has the height advantage both but teams are equally…not good.
Hilariously, there are fake nails all over the floor. The women are losing nails left and right. At one point the ref is trying to match nails to girls.
The purple team wins 18-2. Chloie gets MVP.
Muzzy: I would pee on that jacket.
During the group cocktail hour, the other girls complain about Zoe stealing Grant. They say she’s disrespectful.
Zoe disagrees and says they’ve all got one shot at this.
Then Zoe steals Grant again when he’s talking to Juliana. The audacity!
So then Alli Jo goes to interrupt Zoe.
Zoe later interrupts her back.
Show Spoiler
Then everyone fights and I disassociate for awhile. Muzzy goes to find her Big Dumb Boyfriend Fisher so she can snuggle his fluffy tummy.
The group date rose goes to Natalie who so far as stayed out of the drama.
We cut back to the McMansion and the women are finding spiders outside by the pool and the spiders are 100% more interesting than the group date.
The one-on-one date goes to Alexe. There is still no sighting of Linda the llama but I hope she’s living her best life in LA.
The date starts at a mall.
The bar has dropped so low, you guys. So low.
The mall is empty and they ride those animals around and man I hate those things. First of all, I hate, HATE the mall so if I’m there it’s because I really need something I can’t have shipped in time. Then there are like a million people riding those animals or pushing their kids in racecar strollers and they are in the way of everyone and they have zero situational awareness and I just…
Okay, maybe I need to settle down.
Also a “we get to hang out at an empty mall” date is cool when you’re fourteen or if it’s 1988. They’re running out of ideas big time.
During dinner, which I assume is Sbarro, Alexe tells him she didn’t have a traditional family growing up and became a speech therapist to support kids the way she wanted to be supported.
The next day it’s time for the second group date. They go to a theater where Mario serenades them.
The women will be writing an original song and performing it before a live audience.
Grant starts them off by singing an original song for the ladies, so we know exactly what his angle for going on the show is.
Muzzy: I do not have high hopes for his career.
Note: He apparently did release a song called “Party Girl” ahead of this season.
So then the ladies come out, do a little group dance, and then each of them has a solo. Most of them look mortified and I have such secondhand embarrassment. Most of them also end by grinding in his lap.
Muzzy: I’m going to lick my butthole instead of watching this.
Carolina wins the date.
During the cocktail portion the group is weirdly quiet and it’s very awkward for everyone. Litia tells him that she wants to get married and have a family and she’s sick of dating.
Muzzy: Definitely great she’s on the show then.
Litia gets the group date rose.
The pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party is pretty boring. We get some snippets of conversations between the ladies and Grant but there’s no drama.
Bailey is emotional and feeling vulnerable and teary most of the night.
Allyshia, Ella, Rebekah and Vicky go home.
The way the other women comfort those who are going home and cry for and with them once again supports my theory that the women are here for free booze, travel and to make friends with each other. Forget this guy.
Well that’s it. I’m going to turn on ER and Noah Wylie. Who was your first TV crush?
